As Americans everywhere exercise their right to vote today, a new candidate has emerged to compete with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Although he’s a late entrant, we believe Utility Bill is the man for the job, excelling in every category of presidential qualifications. Let’s take a hard look at his qualifications so you understand why writing in Utility Bill is the only viable option this 2016 election.
He came from humble beginnings and worked his way to the top
As we learned in Utility Bill’s first adventure, he was born a lowly utility bill, and all the odds were stacked against him: he was jostled around in a mail truck, roughly interrogated, slammed into a scanner and filed away as someone who would never amount to anything (besides the balance due, of course). With a little help from his friends, the Urja-bots, Bill quickly rose to prominence to become the world’s leading spokesperson for more efficient utility data management.
He’s a globally-minded, tolerant, egalitarian diplomat
As demonstrated in the continuation of Utility Bill’s first adventure, Utility Bill works with and values all utility bills regardless of country of origin, data structures, formats, content and semantics. In fact, Utility Bill thrives on this intricate diversity, actively working so each utility bill understands one another using a common, standardized language. All utility bills are equal in his eyes, whether electricity, natural gas, water or waste.
He actively solves problems with lasting solutions
Utility Bill is a decisive leader who responds effectively and efficiently to crises. Look no further than the Utility Bill adventure where he saves the day…one benchmarked building at a time! When the citizens of Billsville faced the challenge of inputting data into ENERGY STAR Portfolio Manager for the first time, Utility Bill leapt into action, calming the people and implementing a permanent solution for their data woes. Of course, who can forget when Utility Bill saved the employees of Acme Sprockets from a terrifying curse that turned them all into manual data entry zombies? Utility Bill gave up a night of trick-or-treating sugar highs so that others may experience the freedom of reports that are already finished and bosses that are happy.
He cares about environmental issues
Utility Bill understands that the best way to make progress on environmental issues is to tie them to strong incentives. That’s why his efforts to save Gizmo Land were so effective: by using data to align better waste management with bottom-line business success, Utility Bill (and his conscience, Sustainabill) were able to reduce environmental impacts while saving Gizmo Land money. Negotiating these types of win-win solutions are crucial for any politician, and Utility Bill has clearly demonstrated his ability to build strategic data alliances to achieve business objectives and reduce resource consumption.
He’s already won at the highest level
Utility Bill is no stranger to competing at the highest level, as evidenced by his resounding victory across all events at the most recent Bill-ympic games. Never one to crack under pressure or take shortcuts to win, the same qualities that make Utility Bill a world-class athlete support his eventual success as president: speed, accuracy, flexibility, reliability, and strength.
He’s made a huge difference
The evidence is clear: with the help of the Urja-bots, Utility Bill has helped thousands of energy and sustainability managers save millions on their energy costs. Time and time again, Utility Bill has proven himself to be a true champion of the people, fighting for access to accurate and timely data for all.
So, as you go to cast your ballot today, vote with your head and your heart for the one candidate you know will make a true difference. Vote Utility Bill!